Final Blog Post... For Class anyway...

Well, the assignment is ending, but maybe my blogging is just beginning. I think the purpose of this was to make us think. To share our writing and not feel pressured to do it in a certain way. I learned from this that I should be a little more sheltered in what I type, as my boyfriend wasn't too happy about some things I was blogging about, like our details of moving. I can respect that. I should have watched my typing a bit more. Thank you to the people that read my blog and gave me feedback. I enjoyed this assignment. I think it did me a world of good.

Another one for today as I have more to say....

I just got off the phone with my daughter's dad, pouring my heart out to the guy about what is going on in my household with my son. He also brought up James being transfered to Arizona, as they work togehter and he knows about it. Basically what I am getting to is, I think I am going to do something big for my daughter's well being. I think I am going to give her dad the main custody. He has transformed from the world's worst dad to one of the best. He is such a good dad. He was all messed up in the beginning, but a good woman in his life changed him. He understands that I am not doing this because I dont want her, of course I do!!! She is my baby and i love her. I love her enough to let her be where is best for her, and that is with him I think. We agreed to wait a couple more days to see if giving Isaac a sleep aid (melatonin just so no one thinks I am going over board haha) works. If there is not a single change, she is going. And if she goes, it is permanent. She will reside with him until she graduates or ends up here cuz she is a teen and hates him lol I love her, I hope I don't have to send her, but I think I am going to have to. If you all had any idea...

I am starting to think my son may have mild autism. Lord, I hope not. But if he does, I am trained in taking care of people with disabilities. God did the right thing by putting him with me if that is the case, as I know he'll get the care he needs. I am looking to be an ABA Therapist after all...

Why won't he just stop?

Man, I don't know if my son is a typical terrible 2 or what but i am about to lose my brain! He would not go to bed last night for nothing. I woke up at 2AM to hear him cry. I went to ask him what is wrong, and he had TRASHED his room. Which is also his sister's room. Now this morning, he refuses to pick it up and my poor daughter is doing it (on her own free will mind you, what a champ!!!). I don't know what to do. I am thinking of letting my daughter stay with her dad until I can get my son under control. It seems like the only option. She is miserable, I am miserable, my boyfriend is miserable, but worst of all, my son seems miserable. I don't know what to do to help him. It makes me sad. I guess I will just take all privliges away from him.

Any one have any thoughts? Not that anyone really reads this shit anyway hahaha

I hope we really do get to move to AZ. I can still go to OTC from there in online classes. I don't have a lot of friends here anyway. And it would only be for a year. I am going to be 25 next month and feel like I have not lived at all. I want to do something spontaneous. I want to do something crazy. I think moving 19 hours away would do the trick lol I wonder what it is like out there? I wonder what it takes to go to the grocery store or to go on a walk. What kind of wildlife is there? Kind of plants? Are there plants?? lol!!! It seems like a whole new world.

James and I are starting to plateau in our relationship too. Not that that is bad, but it is losing that honeymoon phase luster. No more ooshy gooshy crap and that kinda sucks lol I think a combo of the stress from Isaac and stuff is making things a bit more difficult. You see, when I met James, I was about to lose everything. I had lost my job and rent was coming due. Then God went, "Here is your soul mate, good timing right?" haha We went on our first date, and he basically never left. (The cool thing is even though we moved fast in the aspect, we moved slow in other aspects). He came in and took over my life. He has helped me grow spiritually and mentally and financially. He came in and fixed EVERYTHING, without me EVER even HINTING I needed help. He didn't know how bad I was struggling until after he signed his name on my lease. Since our first date, the longest we have been apart is 5 days, and that was for a work assignment for him. Other than that, the longest time we spend apart is the 13-14 hours he works every day. I think if I did not have him through all this stuff with my son, I would lose it. I am very thankful for him.

Hardest Choice of My Life...

Here's a good thing to blog about today. I ahve to make the world's biggest choice. My boyfriend is possibly getting an opportunity to make $120,000 in a year's time on a contract through his current employer. $120,000.... That's amazing. I want to go so bad. I am super pumped and ready. Problem is, I ahve two kids. I don't want to leave them, obviously. My daugher, who is 5, I will allow to stay her with her dad. The ONLY reason that is, I would be selfish to pull her out of school and away from her friends and make her the new kid. I can't do that. As for my two year old son, I want to bring him. His father, I don't know for sure, won't allow it. I cant say i blame him, that is his kid. But I can't leave him. But I cant leave my boyfriend for a year either. James never asked me to go. I am the one that wants to. So He can't help me with this choice. This is something I ahve to figure out on my own. In my perfect world, what I will do is take Isaac, leave Christine here with her dad, and fly back once a month for a week to see my daughter and let Isaac see her too, and his dad of course. His dad is not the best person on earth. Last week when he had Isaac, Isaac got a stomach bug. I gave them money to help my son as they had NOTHING. That money was spent on cigarettes and Wendy's. That is just one of many examples. I can't leave my son with them full time. I just can't. If I just take Isaac though, without permission, I can and will go to jail for parental kidnapping. Nope. Here's hoping I can get his dad to see my way... It's only for a year.



Literally after I wrote that last line, Isaac's dad called me. He said I can take my son to Arizona. I can't stop crying.

I think I am starting to get this...

Ok, so I think I am following what I am supposed to do now. It really is just about something I believe in. Cool! That means I can write this paper better. I am loving the choices of writings. I cannot write something when someone makes me write about one certain thing. My brain is way to scattered to write about one thing. Even my credo, believing in acceptance basically, can stem off into a million different topics. I am passionate about this belief for one reason: I have witnessed and been part of it. You see, there have been several major instances in my life where I have personally been a victim of harassment. Most of the time it is about my tats. One time, I walked into a church and a little old lady told me I didn't belong there. I left and have only been back a few times to a church. I will hold a door open for an older couple and they look at me like I am Satan. I don't even have anything vulgar. I sport a visible music staff, a flower bracelet with my daughter's name, and a cross and a rose. So terrible I know. Another instance where I have been harassed is with an exboyfriend. I am very fair complected. He was a black man. An absolutely wonderful guy! When we would go out, TONS of people would look at us. Again, the older crowd especially. One time someone told him if it was 50 years ago he would shoot him right there. It was appalling. Then a topper is I have two kids. No one knows they are from 2 different husbands (except my friends of course) but when people see the kids and no ring, that gets me looks too. My son acted out at the store once and I heard a lady say, "I bet he acts like that as the father probably isn't involved." That is so not true by the way. The world sucks. People generally suck. All of us are guilty of this. You see someone of Arab decent and think of 9/11. People try to say they are not discriminatory, but they lie. Everyone does something. Even me complaining here, I have been guilty of it too. I know I have. Even distasteful jokes. It is wrong. We are all so wrong. I wish there was more I could do to change it. I wish everyone could realize no matter what a person is does or says that we are all the same. We all eat and drink and sleep and love people. We all have family and friends. We all go through tough times. Things like this cause horrible things to happen. Hate crimes. Terrorism. When will it stop? I don't know, it will probably take nuclear warfare.

Credo

I believe that all people should be treated equal. It seems so simple, but we all know it does not happen. People are still judged on what sex they are, what gender they prefer to date, what color their skin is, and what religion they practice. People forget we are all pink on the inside. I believe if we can just get to the point where we truly love and accept everyone, the world will finally be a better place.

I really have no idea what I am doing...

So, what I gathered from this first lesson is that these blogs are just supposed to be free writing? I don't know how accurate that is, but here we go. A whole page huh? Hmm. I think that may be kind of hard! I don't really have that much to write about, but we will try. We'll start with school i suppose. This is way tougher than i thought it would be. Even this English class. Like, I love writing, but I just don't get this assignment. I am just going to roll with what I think it is and pray I get a good grade. I cant do bad grades. I literally like panic. Kind of like this free writing crap. I think it is terrible. i know i am not supposed to revise or focus on grammar or spelling, but that is like shooting me and telling me not to bleed. I can't ignore that stuff. I will force my self for the project, but rawr. People are so freaking lazy these days when it comes to writing. Even in discussions in some of my classes the spelling and grammar is atrocious. It floors me that grown adults in college cant or refuse to spell and punctuate. this right now is terrible. i am just typing as it said to do and not focusing on it, and i feel sick almost lol See i am already out of stuff to write about. my mind always seems like so blank unless i am given something specific to talk about. i wish i could have something specific to write about. i write essays like a boss i think. i like my writing and people seem to like it too. i wrote an essay about assisted suicide once. that English teacher asked if she could keep it because she liked it so much. boom. and a couple years ago i wrote an essay (a readers response to mcbastards actually) and it was awesome too. i read it to my boyfriend the other week and he has not ate McDonald's since hahahaha writing is the only way i can properly express myself. and i don't mind if i violate my own privacy. i think everyone goes through things similar to me, and i want to be brave enough to talk about it so people know they are not alone. my life would make an awesome TV show i think. it is always something, and people say i am very animated. i am though. i like to be the center of attention and i like people knowing i exist. it can sometimes be a little much, but whatever. you either love me or you hate me! luckily, most people love me lol i wonder about people. i like to people watch. i wonder what kind of stuff goes through people's heads and such. it is interesting to imagine what someones life is like. you don't know anyone from Adam any more and the imagination is endless. you can look at Joe schmo in a suit, Mr perfect right? yeah, except you don't know he is the freaking craigslist killer. that guy covered in tats and piercings? he watched his friend get obliterated in Iraq while deployed while saving a child. you just don't know! that is also kind of a reason people need to just be freaking nice to each other too. you never know what someone is going through. so many people have been so mean to me in my life. they never had a clue what i went through at home. it made me literally  bit crazy for several years. i didn't trust or love. i grew out of it and changed my view points but sometimes it still haunts me. wow, so in this free writing experiment as I'll call it, i went from talking about college level English to drama. I guess the two do tie hand in hand when you think about it. and i am just writing exactly what is in my brain. scattered, right? oh well. i think that is the purpose of the exercise and maybe people will think this interesting lol until next time America.